The Mansion Incident: A Resident Evil Spoof
by Silver-Fist
Summary: Parody of the first Resident Evil game, tells the tale of the S.T.A.R.S adventure through the mansion, in a humorous way of course.
1. Default Chapter

**The Mansion Incident - A Resident Evil Spoof**

By **Silver-Fist**

Disclaimer

_All characters and names used are copyright to Capcom, but apart from that it's all mine ;-)_

Note from the Author

_This spoof I wrote is actually the first story I've ever written myself. It is based off the storyline from the original PSX Resident Evil game, but includes some references to events taken place in the GameCube Remake version, and also the book 'The Umbrella Conspiracy' by S. D. Perry._

_I may make alterations to published chapters, but it's a spoof so no crucial changes will be made._

_Enjoy_

* * *

_"Bizarre murder cases have recently occurred in a western American suburb called Raccoon City. There are outlandish reports of families being attacked by a group of about ten people; victims were apparently beaten... around the head a few times with a frozen fish. The Raccoon City S.T.A.R.S unit (Special Tactics and Rescue Service) immediately began investigation. Bravo team went to the possible hideout of the group, and disappeared."_

Alpha Team flying around the forest zone situated in North West Raccoon City, where we're searching for the helicopter of our compatriots Bravo team, who, for some bizarre reason, decided to go fishing during the middle of our mission. 

It was nighttime, the Helicopter ride was rough, all team members sat in the darkness of the small compartment, waiting. 

"Hurry up with changing the bulb, for fucks sake Barry, I can't read my magazine." Chris said with a frustrated grunt. 

All of a sudden the room filled with brilliant light, and Barry slowly stepped off his pogo stick and returned to his pork pie. 

"Look Chris!" Jill shouted over the roar of the helicopter, Chris distracted his thoughts from his playboy, and walked over towards Jill. 

"What?" Chris replied, looking into the darkness. 

"Chris, that's the wall; look out the window." 

"Holy Testicles!" Chris shouted. 

"Heads up guys!" Shouted Brad. "We've found them." 

"Let's load up." Chris shouted. 

"Excuse me, I'm in charge of this operation." The smooth musical tone of Wesker rose into the small compartment. They all looked towards the shady character in the corner, and Chris was struck with disgust. 

"Barry man, have you farted?" 

Barry blushed "I'm sorry, I got... careless." The whole helicopter shook as Brad attempted to land. 

"Hang on guys, this bird is fighting with me." They all glanced over just in time to see Brad get caught in a headlock by a sparrow. He successfully managed to break free, and then rushed over to the grab the controls. 

"Mmm... Sparrow sandwich. Heh!" Barry muttered before checking his piece for dirt. 

"Barry, now is not the time to examine your manhood, let's get ready to depart." Wesker switched off his CD player and shoved a pair of rolled up socks down his trousers. The rest grabbed their equipment; Jill had brought along her Lucky Beret, a pair of large shoulder pads spray-painted blue, a plastic yo-yo, and an ice cream. 

"What's that for?" Joseph asked Jill. 

"To eat, it's my favourite flavour." She replied. 

"No, the Beret." He responded. 

"That's what I was talking abou..." Jill's words was cut off by the screeching of bending metal; which meant we had either landed, or Barry had sat down too fast. The helicopter lay still, the clicking of metal cooling and the plucking of Joseph playing the banjo were the only sounds to be heard. The howl of a wolf pierced the air about them, and Brad shrieked in terror as the sound was joined by several others. A shadow seemed to pass over the face of each individual in the helicopter. 

"The Bulb's bust again." Chris finally pointed out. 

They stepped out of the Vehicle into the cool air, Jill followed by Chris, then Joseph, and finally Wesker. 

"I think I'll stay in here with the majority of the ammo, the only radio and the rocket launcher." Brad said while dancing to the distinct sound of static from his headset. 

"You do that." Wesker replied to the quivering little individual. "But don't forget your patriotic duty, to scarper when we run into the slightest bit of trouble." 

By now Chris had already made a campfire and was cooking Barry's underwear when Wesker spoiled the fun and instructed that they do some work. 

So the search began in the heavily wooded area, searching impossibly for the lost Bravo's. But from the minute they started investigating, they knew something was wrong. Wesker cracked his neck to grab everybody's attention. All the team members stood silently, awaiting the captain's orders. 

"All right people, stay sharp, we have to find the lost Bravo's. Barry, put that Gameboy away." 

Wesker was a good leader; occasionally the team members found he was a little cold towards them, so they all decided to wear warmer clothes. He hadn't been with the S.T.A.R.S that long, but the team trusted his judgement. The group set off towards the spot where they had seen the crashed helicopter. As they neared, the smell of fish rose into the summer air. 

It was Bravo teams helicopter, nobody was in it, but strangely, all the Trout was still there. 

"Mmm... Fish sandwich!" Barry muttered as he continued to prod the ruined vehicle with a sharpened stick. Chris was taking a piss on the wreckage, while Jill was busy playing football with the pilots' head. 

"I wonder where the Bravo's could be? There's no trace of them anywhere." Chris muttered to himself. 

"Hey, whose hand is this?" Joseph shouted out from the patch of long grass near by. 

"It doesn't make any sense," Chris continued. "they've completely disappeared." 

Wesker once again grabbed the attention of his team by farting loudly in Barry's face. 

"Let's search the area nearby; Me, Chris, Barry and Jill will search over here. Joseph, go and search over there where the noises are coming from. Yes, near the patch of blood." 

Joseph wandered out into the clearing of a group of trees and was busy restringing his Banjo, when all of a sudden he heard a noise behind him. A pair of red eyes met him as he turned around; five feet lay between him and an unknown foe. He clumsily kicked the feet out the way before continuing forwards. 

From the bushes ahead of him, a dog jumped out, from the size and shape of its silhouette in the dimly lit forest, it looked like a Doberman. Joseph focussed his torch beam over the panting creature, and staggered back in fright. It was covered in red slime, and a lot of its skin was missing. It was wearing a bright yellow woolly hat, paper clips and other office accessories hung from its tail. 

It took one look at Joseph and began to growl, readying its legs to pounce. Joseph aimed his shotgun and fired. He missed his mark by a clear yard, and the dog took its chance to attack. 

Joseph squeaked loudly as the dog bit into his thermos, spilling hot coffee all over his leg. Joseph clutched his thigh, and the dog again readied itself to pounce. 

Jill raised her head as she heard the gunshot and began to run towards the spot where she had last seen Joseph, Barry and Chris did the same. Wesker pretended he hadn't heard anything. 

She reached the place where the constant screaming and whistling had come from, and all she could do was stand and watch as the mutant beast was tucking into Joseph's packed lunch. Another joined the feast, and another and another. Joseph lay nearby, shaking in a spasm violently, either from the fatal injury from his throat, or the dog humping his leg. Suddenly, one of the dogs turned around and bound towards Jill at full speed. 

The dog leapt forwards, jaws open, hungry for blood, when all of a sudden a gunshot rang out and the beast yelped, stopped and lay still. 

"Jill, move your ass!" Chris's voice distracted Jill from the disgusting, yet strangely attractive, mess that was once a dog. She quickly proceeded to follow Chris through the woods, which wasn't difficult, as he kept diving into trees in an awkward manner. 

As they were running, the roar of a helicopter could be heard. They arrived back at the landing site just in time to see the helicopter take off, with Brad's grinning features and obscene hand gestures clearly visible through the cockpits window. 

"Brad! Where the hell's he going?" Chris yelled while picking out bits of bark from his forehead. 

Suddenly he heard the scampering of paws behind him. He spun around just in time to see four mutant dogs chasing them through the woods. 

"Brad! He's insane! What the hell?" Barry cursed while munching away on a cheese pasty. 

"Well...uh... I didn't see that happening." Wesker said unconvincingly. "Let's go look for Jill and Chris, there's bugger all else to do here." 

Jill and Chris had managed to distract the dogs, but the 'Sit' command and occasional thrown rubber ball wouldn't hold them forever. They glanced in all directions, where eventually they saw Barry's huge mass emerge from the bushes nearby, sweating heavily, with Wesker perched on his crumpled spine piggy-back style. 

"Chris! This way!" Wesker shouted, Chris and Jill followed his instructions. Barry threw Wesker off his shoulders before pulling out his huge Colt Python and fired it randomly in the air, completely missing every dog that came his way. Chris pulled out his baseball bat and instinctively started swishing it about in all directions, hoping to hit something. He succeeded in knocking Wesker several times in the back of the head. The cool captain was about to kick Chris in the bollocks when Jill suggested that we get the hell out of here. 

So they started sprinting through the dark forest, ducking under branches, jumping over logs, tripping over roots and running into trees, until eventually they saw their passage to safety. 

"Jill, run for that house!" Chris shouted. 

Sure enough, no more than a few hundred yards away, an ominous house stood silent, occasionally whispering, in a large clearing in the middle of Raccoon forest. The mansion was very elegant; the smooth stonework was covered in many twisting vines of greenery and vegetables. A mail box stood just outside of the entrance, as they neared, they saw the postman on his scooter drive off into the night, just before being ripped apart by dogs. 

All team members ran towards the entrance, Barry attempted to open the doors by launching a fierce head butt, but only succeeded in splintering the solid oak. Wesker pulled out a large ring of keys, and picked the one with the large paper tag 'Secret Umbrella Mansion' written on it. He slid it into the lock and the door opened with a loud creak. 

They escaped into the mansion, where Barry thought there might be food, yet...


	2. A Place of Safety

**Chapter 2 - A Place of Safety**

The heavy wooden doors closed behind them, and they thought they were safe. The smell hit them almost straight away, the warm musty stench of a dead carcass, which succeeded in making Barry hungry again. Jill got her breath back and surveyed her surroundings. They were inside a huge hall. Opposite the entrance, stone stairs, covered with red carpet and numerous whoopee cushions, led to a small landing area, then climbed away from each other to the second floor. On the back wall, a huge painting was fixed, with a central door attached at its base. The giant canvas showed an image of many men and women, possibly the residents of this very mansion, giving each other wedgies. Jill admired its fine quality and splendour. 

From the ground floor where they stood, three other doors could be seen, with a further four on the second floor. The walls were littered with numerous pieces of fine decor, elaborate oil paintings, cloves of garlic and burnt toast to name a few. The floor was made from what looked like Marble, but upon closer inspection it was badly painted plywood. 

Barry was the first to break the silence, with a huge fart that knocked Wesker off his feet. 

"What is this?" Barry continued. 

"Well, it appears to be a mansion." Wesker replied, fumbling with his glasses and blinking stupidly. 

Suddenly, the distinct 'pop' of a champagne bottle being opened echoed throughout the hall, each team member in turn looked towards the west wing doors, all except Barry, who took a few seconds more to register the mysterious sound. 

"What is it?" Barry finally blurted out again. 

"Maybe it's... Chris." 

They all glanced around the room, to their surprise they realised Chris was no longer with them. 

"Where the hell's Chris?" Jill screamed, clutching her beret and running round in circles. 

"I'm sorry, but he's probably..." Wesker paused, his expression blank. When he noticed the other members looking at him with confusion, he simply shrugged. 

"No!" Jill whimpered. She stopped to catch her breath, clutching her side as she made the wheezing noise of a dying turtle. 

"Jill, quit being awkward and go check it out." Wesker commanded. 

"I'm going with you." Barry said, while chewing on a chocolate muffin. "Chris was our old partner y'know." 

Wesker then gave them the official S.T.A.R.S salute, which comprised of an armpit fart followed by simulating an epileptic fit. Jill and Barry did the same before making their way to the double doors on the left. 

The wooden doors swung open, the creak of the heavy hinges gave the impression of a mouse being squished in a vice. They closed the doors behind them, and several dead rodents fell to the ground. Barry scanned the contents of the room, a large wooden table covered in table-wear; littered with candle sticks, plastic cutlery, spanners and other dining room related odds and ends. An antique inflatable grandfather clock ticked loudly on the right-hand wall. The sides of the room were littered with full size 2D cardboard cut-outs of movie characters, each one decapitated carelessly. 

"Jesus." Jill whispered under her breath. 

After a few minutes of silence, Barry finally spoke. 

"A Dining Room!" 

"Urh... yeah, thanks for that Barry." Jill replied whilst typing obscene messages on the typewriter, which for some reason stood on a gumball machine located near the double doors. 

At the far end of the long room, a fireplace was burning away; the heat it gave off was amazing. Near the fireplace, a single wooden door stood further down from the grandfather clock. They slowly walked towards it; Barry holstered his gun and scrambled up onto the table clumsily, searching for food. 

Just in front of the fireplace, a severed hand lay, oozing out a red substance. Barry rushed over, eyeing the pool suspiciously. 

"What! What is this?" He barked, kicking the hand out of the way and into the roaring fire. 

Jill made the effort to reply to the clumsy oaf. "Sigh! What is it?" 

"It's blood Jill?" 

"No shit." She whispered under her voice. 

"Jill, why don't you do a completely pointless search, I'll be eating... uhh I mean, I'll be examining this. I hope this is not what's-his-name's blood!" Barry sat down next to the patch of warm blood and proceeded to fry eggs on the stone hearth. Jill cursed at Barry for being an idle sod before cracking a heavy candlestick over his head. When she realised that had no effect, she left the room through the single door. 

She was in a long corridor; to her right, the passage continued, passing two doors along the way, both on the wall opposite her, the corridor ended with a pair of double doors. To her left, there was a sharp turn that led to a small area that couldn't be seen. The picture rail near the ceiling housed many speakers, all playing an eerie music. The corridor itself was very bland in design. White peeling wallpaper with patches of blood, vomit covered the wooden floor in places and an unbelievable stench lingered in the air, it reminded Jill of her grandma's house. A loud gurgle distracted the thoughts from Jill's mind. The distinct sound of chewing could be heard from the area to her left. 

She proceeded to walk towards the noise, Berretta ready and her mind focused. 

Jill edged herself around the corner, humming to the music. What she saw would stay in her mind forever. An old crusty man was giving Kenneth Sullivan, a highly respected member of Bravo team, a violent snog. Kenneth didn't seem to be complaining, but that may have been due to the fact that his throat had been torn out. 

The strange man was crouched with his back to Jill, but as she gasped in astonishment, the man let out a quiet fart and slowly turned his head to look at her. His expression was that of great despair, his eyes seemed glazed over with a white substance, the skin that covered his balding head had many lumps and bloody masses of decay, and he wore a pink and yellow polka dot tie. His garments reeked with stench, it was then that Jill realised that this was no man; it was a zombie. 

The putrefying figure stood up, and moonwalked his way towards Jill, drooling, moaning and bumping into walls. A small puddle of blood and saliva began to form at the zombies' feet. Jill screamed and fell backwards, a look of pure disgust passed over her face. She grabbed at her belt and pulled out a handkerchief from her side pack, and started wiping madly at the constant dribble that was issuing forth from the zombies lower lip. 

"Phew, that's better." Jill relaxed and admired her handy work. Her expression changed when she realised that the gruesome individual didn't even thank her, and continued limping forwards, it's fluffy bunny slippers scratching across the wooden floor. It slipped on its own drool and fell backwards, the zombies leg snapped at the shin, it's right arm twisted around and split open. At first she thought this was an attempt at break dancing, but was shocked to see that the man gave no indication that he was in pain, not even when he began to slowly rise up again. 

_Oh my god, it looks dead, but..._

Jill didn't give it another moment's thought; she had to get out of there. She spun around quickly and smacked head first into the wall; her head throbbed in pain. Feeling a little dazed, she stumbled around in the hallway for a few minutes before falling backwards into the door she came in by. 

Barry heard the knock, and as he approached the single door, it burst open and Jill fell into the room, clutching her head and making a high pitched whining noise like a foghorn. Barry looked at the writhing individual with awe, before being distracted by the strange looking man approaching Jill with hungry eyes. 

"Watch out, it's a monster!" Jill scrambled to her feet and cowered behind Barry's huge mass, digging her nails into his red combat vest. The zombie looked about the room, before focusing it's attention on the rather delicious looking omelette on the stone hearth. 

"Look out Jill, he's insane!" Barry yelled before unloading several rounds into the zombies upper chest. The power of Barry's Colt was incredible; the zombies' chest exploded, and the drooling figure was sent reeling back, before it slumped to the floor and lay still. 

"What is it?" Barry muttered before picking up his omelette and stuffing it into his mouth. 

"Kenneth was being abused by this thing. Let's report this to Wesker." 

They made their way back to the main hall, unaware that the zombie they had left for dead began to rise up. It quietly tiptoed over to the single door, exaggerating every step with a prancing ballet leg raise, then tripping over a broken chair on the way and snapping its foot off at the ankle. 

"Urhhh!" He groaned before limping out the room and slamming the door behind him. Jill glanced over her shoulder when she heard the noise, but saw nothing. 

They stepped into the main hall; they both scanned the room with confusion in their eyes. Wesker was gone. 

"Wesker! Help me look for him Jill, and don't leave this hall for the time being." Barry blurted out. He ran all around the outside of the room, looking behind every picture, before darting over to the centre of the hall and proceeded to look under the carpet. Jill just stood and looked at the sweating fat man with pity. She wandered casually over to the stairs and took a couple of steps up, and looked around the room. She noticed that Barry was scrambling under the carpet, obviously lost and yelping for help. She stepped down and kicked the huge lump; Barry emerged with a stupid look on his face. 

"Find anything Jill?" 

"Oh Nothing!" Jill said unconvincingly, remembering that she hadn't even bothered to look. "Anyway, what is this all about, I can't figure it out at all?" 

"Beats the piss outta me Jill." Barry panted "But it can't be helped. Let's search for him separately, I'll check the dining room again." 

"Uhh... why? We just came from there." Jill said in a suspicious tone. 

"I know, but I left my box of donuts in there." Barry massaged his round protruding belly. 

"Okay, I'll try the door on the opposite side." 

Jill sighed, first Chris and now Wesker. True, she thought Wesker was an absolute dipshit, and deserved to be ripped apart by chainsaw wielding badgers, but for him to disappear without word was, without doubt, very rude. Chris on the other hand, was a good friend, if he was dead, she would feel very lonely and helpless. The S.T.A.R.S office wouldn't be the same without Chris, no more practical jokes involving adhesives and Barry's workstation. She remembered the time Chris glued Barry's head to his computer monitor, then put him in a shopping trolley and pushed him out the window, oh how we laughed. But those thoughts were distracted from Jill's mind when Barry started talking again. 

"Oh Jill." Barry reached down the back of his trousers and shuffled around in an awkward manner for a few seconds, the way his eyes rolled into the back if his head gave the sign of great discomfort. He pranced about the hall before pulling something shiny from his dirt box. 

"Here's a lock-pick." He continued "It might be handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you." 

"Barry, how many times have I told you not to carry it down there?" Jill said with disgust as she took the badly out-of-shape paper clip from Barry's paw. Barry just blushed, stifling a grin. 

"Let's Hurry!" He finally said, and strode over to the Dining Room doors, opened them and disappeared inside. Jill was alone; she took one last look around, getting slightly irritated from the smell of faeces issuing forth from the small implement in her hands, before walking over to the double blue doors opposite the Dining Room ones, and walked inside. 


End file.
